I think i’m
slowly killing myself. It’s funny how the very things i crave, are the
very things that makes me spiral even more and feel immensely insecure.
It’s never enough. I thought this would be it. But the pain
continues. It’s really never enough. I am not sure why i starve myself
anymore. To reach my goal weight? To reach a sort of nirvana with
myself that this is what i want and this has helped me.
I hate myself even more now as i looked in the mirror. This is not
the person i envisioned myself to be. Every morsel of food that is
introduced to my body hits me like a guilt trip. Each night i pray that
my body won’t hate me for introducing those tiny little devils.
Who am i kidding? Will all this make a happier me? It’s been annoying for my friends to
hear me whine about food. And when your best friend has had enough of
you whine, it’s time to stop whining. I’ll just go on with this fight
on my own. In all honesty, i feel weak. The other day, my heart felt
heavy and for the first time in my life, i thought that that was it.
That was the day i was going to meet my maker. I don’t know what
happened. I just stood up, my heart felt like it was going to stop, my
vision went blurry and then blank.
Is this it?
