le_thinn's Xanga

My Fourth Post

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 20:44:05 GMT

I feel drained right now. Happy, but drained.
So my post is going to be semi-short.
Nothing for breakfast.
Lunch:
Mini Cheese It's -100
Mini Chips Ahoy -100
Mini Gatorade -90

Tonight my father wants to take me to the Japanese steakhouse for my birthday dinner.
I don't know what i'll get yet.
My birthday is tomorrow. hooray.

My Third Post

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 14:32:21 GMT

I lost 2 pounds between yesterday and right now.
I weighed in and I am now 140.

Maybe I can do this.

My Second Post

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 13:46:36 GMT

I think i’m slowly killing myself. It’s funny how the very things i crave, are the very things that makes me spiral even more and feel immensely insecure.

It’s never enough. I thought this would be it. But the pain continues. It’s really never enough. I am not sure why i starve myself anymore. To reach my goal weight? To reach a sort of nirvana with myself that this is what i want and this has helped me.

I hate myself even more now as i looked in the mirror. This is not the person i envisioned myself to be. Every morsel of food that is introduced to my body hits me like a guilt trip. Each night i pray that my body won’t hate me for introducing those tiny little devils.

Who am i kidding? Will all this make a happier me? It’s been annoying for my friends to hear me whine about food. And when your best friend has had enough of you whine, it’s time to stop whining. I’ll just go on with this fight on my own. In all honesty, i feel weak. The other day, my heart felt heavy and for the first time in my life, i thought that that was it. That was the day i was going to meet my maker. I don’t know what happened. I just stood up, my heart felt like it was going to stop, my vision went blurry and then blank.

Is this it?

I complain, complain, complain, complain.
And yet, I keep going.
but why?

My First Post

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 05:57:36 GMT

Honestly, I am so sick of putting things off and just telling myself "tomorrow".
I have been eating like a pig, I miss how I used to be. I had so much control. I need to get back to that place...where nothing can get inside of my head, where I say what goes, and where not a single word spoken other than my own will I let get inside of my head. Right now...all I am is weak.

P-a-t-h-e-t-i-c
It is how I feel. I need to get myself back.

"Myself" Heh, funny word. I'm not sure I even know who that is anymore.

Oh fuck, here comes a rant.

You know what I am sick of? Judgment. These days you can't listen to a song without being called emo. If you listen to more than one genere you are a poser. We let others words get inside of our heads...we forget who we are. I don't even know if I like half the clothes I pick out at the store or if it is just another fase. I don't know if my personality is me or if it is just another cover up. I almost feel as though every single move I do is fake.

I want to be a little girl, I want to be pure.
I want to be pure, I want to be a little girl.

Do you remember that? Where what you looked like did not matter, and your mind was too full of fantasy to think about anything else.

I miss that.
I miss knowing who I am, and I miss loving that girl.

Taco bell or size 00? A day off from the gym or ribs showing? Fitting in with your friends or fitting into your jeans? Feeling "normal" for two seconds or feeling beautiful forever? Second best chubby girlfriend or the girl your guy's friends wish they had? Chubby sitting on the couch or thin enough to sit on his lap? The girl self conscious in her tankini or the one showing off her bikini? The one worried about her thighs rubbing together or the one who cant keep her boyfriends hands off them?

*Sigh*